I came to know love…

Sung a number of times by beautiful voices and wonderful feelings the following Nasheed touches the ultimate truth about our existence! LOVE :) True LOVE revolves around OUR SOURCE! FROM OUR SOURCE and FOR OUR SOURCE LOVE is love :)
The words in English Translation and the Arabic wordings as follows:

I came to know love the moment I found YOUR LOVE

And I have closed my heart from everyone except YOU

And I start whispering to YOU; THE ONE WHO SEES the secrets of the heart

While we don’t see YOU

I have two types of love for YOU:

The love of inclination and a love for YOU ARE WORTHY of such

The love of inclination is when YOUR REMEMBRANCE KEEPS me away from everything but YOU

And truly the love that YOU ARE WORTHY OF is when YOU UNVEIL THE VEILS for me to see YOU

Truly, the praise in either case is not mine

Truly, praise in both cases belong to YOU.

Rabi El Adawia

عَرَفْتُ الهَوى مُذ عَرَفْتُ هواك
وأغْلَقْتُ قَلْبي عَلىٰ مَنْ عَاداكْ
وقُمْتُ اُناجِيـكَ يا مَن تـَرى
خَفايا القُلُوبِ ولَسْنا نراك
أحِبُكَ حُبَيْنِ حُبَ الهَـوىٰ
وحُبْــاً لأنَكَ أهْـل ٌ لـِذَاك
فأما الذي هُوَ حُبُ الهَوىٰ
فَشُغْلِي بذِكْرِكَ عَمَنْ سـِواكْ
وامّـا الذي أنْتَ أهلٌ لَهُ
فَلَسْتُ أرىٰ الكَوْنِ حَتىٰ أراكْ
فلا الحَمْدُ في ذا ولا ذاكَ لي
ولكنْ لكَ الحَمْدُ فِي ذا وذاك
رابعة العدوية
 
This is love! Anything else is ellusive and illusive!
My favourite performace is Umm Kulthoom's
Nevertheless, there are a number of performances worth contemplating on, as the following two:

Ibn Arabi:
 
 
I also love Reem Bna's

 
To which there are some additional part to the part which Umm Kulthoom and Ibn Arabi sang :) which is:

لما علمت بأن قلبي فارغ ممن سواك ملأته بهواك
وملأت كلي منك حتى لم أدع مني مكانا خاليا لسواك
فالقلب فيك هيامه وغرامه والنطق لاينفك عن ذكراك
والطرف حيث أجيله متلفتا في كل شيء يجتلي معناك 
والسمع لايصغي إلى متكلم إلا إذا ماحدّثوا بحلاك
(translation coming soon :D)

finding my way back to me

I am not me!
Not the me I thought I was meant to be!

I did a tremendous error to day! Guilt fills me and disdain!
But here is the thing, I realised I am dwelling in a stagnant lake of a lower version of myself; this Today I decided to let go of!

I deserve to treat myself better. To honour the SOUL GOD BREATHE into me!
If HE IS KEEPING me alive, HE IS GIVING me a chance!

I signed on to my goodreads.com account and realised I had not read enough in my life, and yet, I give the impression of being a knowledgeable person; plus, my inner philosophy and pride, which I was born with, THANK GOD :) My dad even referred to me in my early years, back as a toddler, as someone who gave the impression of a highly sophisticated mentality.

I do not know if this was true or not. I don't even know if this stands true at the moment or not. I have a inner melody somewhere, which has turned out of tune. Today, I realised in loving A more than myself, my "self" apparently got too hurt, she left me! Now that I am totally lost...I am finding my way back to me...

It starts by a decision and I am a warrior with virtues
So, in finding the way, I choose to exemplify GI, YU and MAKOTO :) There lies my MEIYO! (if you know what I mean :D)

From my diary...

Monday 7th May 2012

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

I don't really know who am I writing to.

I do have a deep heart ache. It has been almost two months since A said he can't keep going with me.
Two months of rejection. Two months deprived of love and affection.
Two months of my tears - my happiness on hold, while life for his is almost "happily ever after". It seems he even meets new people and is making some fall for him.
I am tired of being tired. Of having to struggle through each day. Tomorrow, INSHA ALLAH, I will see him lecture about self-defense in (my sister's faculty). Tomorrow...also coincides with the Tuesday of my weakness. Coinciding with last Saturday is when I tamed him to say he has feelings for me, which was one week before Sensei M was going to see me on 13th May 2011, to test my compatibility for the Shodan. It was a Friday.
13th May, this year is on a Sunday. It hurts he is not here Today. It hurts I may not be able to call and thank.

Please GOD, BRING him back.
MAKE him love me again.


At the moment, I don't have much to do, expect to work hard to learn. I need to study the basics in medicine. Review the old books that I got rid off in gynaceology and obstetrics. Smile every day and pray for ALLAH for a miracle - trusting it will come.

And think - really think. Why do I love A so? Is love enough to make me happy with him? Does he deserve? Does he understand?
The answers may hurt - but I trust that love is enough. When it is true, it is self-sufficient.

I pray he changes to the best version of himself. At any given moment we have many versions of ourselves - the higher, idealist version, and the lower, hateful one - and a hundred other in between, through a spectrum well spread as Bell's phenomenon.

I pray that at any given moment, he and myself will be at the higher version. I trust him but above all I trust GOD.

I trust GOD CAN ALTER the hearts, LIGHT the soul and MAKE out of us, the best of the best..and with this hope I go through days smiling and believing, he will be here someday INSHA ALLAH,
as the best version of himself, and we shall be together INSHA ALLAH.
----------------------------------

That was over a year...on this same day this year if I was to write in my diary I'd say...(to be continued)

my love story begins...with bushido!

to be continued...

It is just begun

A very deep song :) my favourite parts of the lyrics are underlined

 

Dyin' flame, you're free again
Who could love, do that to you
All dressed in black, he won't be comin' back
Look, save your tears
Got years and years
The pains of seventeen's
Unreal they're only dreams
Save your cryin' for the day

Fool if you think it's over
'Cause you said goodbye
Fool if you think it's over
I'll tell you why
New born eyes always cry with pain
At the first look at the mornin' sun
Fool if you think it's over
It's just begun

 

Miss Teenage Dream, such a tragic scene
He knocked your crown and ran away
First wound of pride, and how you cried and cried
But save your tears, got years and years

Fool if you think it's over
'Cause you said goodbye
Fool if you think it's over
I'll tell you why...

(Fool if you think it's over)
(Fool if you think it's over)

I'll buy you first good wine
We'll have a real good time
Save your cryin' for the day
That may not come
But anyone who had to pay
Would laugh at you and say

Fool if you think it's over
'Cause you said goodbye
Fool if you think it's over
I'll tell you why
New born eyes always cry with pain

at the first...

It is that belief that every end is a beginning! That the darkest hour of the day is just before dawn! That a phoenix burns and from the ash is renewed, that keeps us going through our heartbreaks! Sometimes, that which breaks in us, broke to give space to a new and resilient strength!

Or maybe those broken parts, are to be put to furnace and reshaped into a mightier form!

It broke not because it was unworthy, not to leave us bruised and hurt! But that which broke inside us, did, to allow for our rebuild!

P.S:

Coal under pressure turns into diamond!

The pressure BREAKS the bonds, and allow reshape!

Keep :)ing

The oxygen dissociation curve taught me...

A good piece of information does not come free, and it does not come with a click or a button hit!

Today, after years, finally a very basic information sank into my mind!

Since I am a newly graduated physician, (actually since I am a physician at all), studying is an ongoing process. Being a doctor, means being a "professional student" :)

So being, the professional student, I got a chance to attend a lecture about Arterial Blood Gases, wherein, basics of Oxygen forms in the blood were reviewed.

So why am I mentioning this?! Because, this is a lesson I first learned back in school, when I was sitting for my IGCSE O'Level Biology. Then, I learned about the Oxygen Dissociation Curve, with the ever amazing "shift to the left" and "shift to the right" phenomenon! I had this taught on my mind: "this is too basic! Have I not passed this already???"

Maybe, it ain't time to jump into details, but for the record, and because I would love to articulate what I learned as well as explain Today's lesson, I would be just explaining in few words what this is all about. Oxygen can exist in chemical and physical forms. The physical form is the gaseous form. By chemical form, I am referring to the bonding of 4 Oxygen molecules (O₂₎ , by covalent bonds to the iron in hemoglobin. Each hemoglobin molecule has 4 binding sites, and a saturated hemoglobin is one where all the sites are occupied by O₂. Oxygen saturation is thus a measure of the amount of oxygen in the blood, bound to hemoglobin. This, amazingly depends to a number of factors, the top of which is the Partial Pressure of Oxygen, which varies greatly along the vessels and across different membranes. This is called, the oxygen cascade

It is this oxygen cascade that provides a wide scale of O₂ pressures on the x-axis of the O₂ saturation (dissociation) curve, while the O₂ saturation is on the y-axis.
I have always known how to read the curve; though I had a hidden gap in understanding the whole picture. As Dr. Heba Ismail, a remarkable anaesthetist lectured us Today, spoke of the oxygen cascade, something just lit inside my head: like a puzzle, with a missing piece, has a distorted picture; so was my understanding of this amazing phenomenon explained by this curve! As I understood Today for the first time about the cascade, the missing piece just fit in and after years finally the information sank in!

The cost of knowledge is big: one of its main currencies is time and persistence; and a thing called, you're never big enough to sit for a class of basics, even after gaining your degree! :)

عرفت الهوى (Now, I know Passion)

عَرَفْتُ الهَوى مُذ عَرَفْتُ هواك وأغْلَقْتُ قَلْبي عَلىٰ مَنْ عَاداكْ وقُمْتُ اُناجِيـكَ يا مَن تـَرى خَفايا القُلُوبِ ولَسْنا نراك أحِبُكَ حُبَيْنِ حُبَ الهَـوىٰ وحُبْــاً لأنَكَ أهْـل ٌ لـِذَاك فأما الذي هُوَ حُبُ الهَوىٰ فَشُغْلِي بذِكْرِكَ عَمَنْ سـِواكْ وامّـا الذي أنْتَ أهلٌ لَهُ فَلَسْتُ أرىٰ الكَوْنِ حَتىٰ أراكْ فلا الحَمْدُ في ذا ولا ذاكَ ولكنْ لكَ الحَمْدُ فِي ذا وذاك (English Translation coming soon...)