Thank you for stopping by!

I have a friend, who though we hardly talk, she again and again, have stopped by a word, or a note, or a link that came just on time! This is one time, when again, GOD USES her to send me a note to remember!

سلام عليك،،،

أمي! أضعتُ يد يَّا على خَصْرِ امرأةٍ من سراب أُعانق رملاً أُعانق ظِلاً رأيتُ كثيراً،،،

Layali I or II?

Layali I ...or Layali II? Same song! Different tune! Which would I prefer? Like the heart turns, and feelings are wild horses; one moment Layali 1 maybe the next moment my heart sings Layali 2: in either, it rests true سكه ماشيه وعمر ماشي لسه اجمل يوم مجاش

I came to know love…

Sung a number of times by beautiful voices and wonderful feelings the following Nasheed touches the ultimate truth about our existence! LOVE :) True LOVE revolves around OUR SOURCE! FROM OUR SOURCE and FOR OUR SOURCE LOVE is love :)
The words in English Translation and the Arabic wordings as follows:

I came to know love the moment I found YOUR LOVE

And I have closed my heart from everyone except YOU

And I start whispering to YOU; THE ONE WHO SEES the secrets of the heart

While we don’t see YOU

I have two types of love for YOU:

The love of inclination and a love for YOU ARE WORTHY of such

The love of inclination is when YOUR REMEMBRANCE KEEPS me away from everything but YOU

And truly the love that YOU ARE WORTHY OF is when YOU UNVEIL THE VEILS for me to see YOU

Truly, the praise in either case is not mine

Truly, praise in both cases belong to YOU.

Rabi El Adawia

عَرَفْتُ الهَوى مُذ عَرَفْتُ هواك
وأغْلَقْتُ قَلْبي عَلىٰ مَنْ عَاداكْ
وقُمْتُ اُناجِيـكَ يا مَن تـَرى
خَفايا القُلُوبِ ولَسْنا نراك
أحِبُكَ حُبَيْنِ حُبَ الهَـوىٰ
وحُبْــاً لأنَكَ أهْـل ٌ لـِذَاك
فأما الذي هُوَ حُبُ الهَوىٰ
فَشُغْلِي بذِكْرِكَ عَمَنْ سـِواكْ
وامّـا الذي أنْتَ أهلٌ لَهُ
فَلَسْتُ أرىٰ الكَوْنِ حَتىٰ أراكْ
فلا الحَمْدُ في ذا ولا ذاكَ لي
ولكنْ لكَ الحَمْدُ فِي ذا وذاك
رابعة العدوية
 
This is love! Anything else is ellusive and illusive!
My favourite performace is Umm Kulthoom's
Nevertheless, there are a number of performances worth contemplating on, as the following two:

Ibn Arabi:
 
 
I also love Reem Bna's

 
To which there are some additional part to the part which Umm Kulthoom and Ibn Arabi sang :) which is:

لما علمت بأن قلبي فارغ ممن سواك ملأته بهواك
وملأت كلي منك حتى لم أدع مني مكانا خاليا لسواك
فالقلب فيك هيامه وغرامه والنطق لاينفك عن ذكراك
والطرف حيث أجيله متلفتا في كل شيء يجتلي معناك 
والسمع لايصغي إلى متكلم إلا إذا ماحدّثوا بحلاك
(translation coming soon :D)

finding my way back to me

I am not me!
Not the me I thought I was meant to be!

I did a tremendous error to day! Guilt fills me and disdain!
But here is the thing, I realised I am dwelling in a stagnant lake of a lower version of myself; this Today I decided to let go of!

I deserve to treat myself better. To honour the SOUL GOD BREATHE into me!
If HE IS KEEPING me alive, HE IS GIVING me a chance!

I signed on to my goodreads.com account and realised I had not read enough in my life, and yet, I give the impression of being a knowledgeable person; plus, my inner philosophy and pride, which I was born with, THANK GOD :) My dad even referred to me in my early years, back as a toddler, as someone who gave the impression of a highly sophisticated mentality.

I do not know if this was true or not. I don't even know if this stands true at the moment or not. I have a inner melody somewhere, which has turned out of tune. Today, I realised in loving A more than myself, my "self" apparently got too hurt, she left me! Now that I am totally lost...I am finding my way back to me...

It starts by a decision and I am a warrior with virtues
So, in finding the way, I choose to exemplify GI, YU and MAKOTO :) There lies my MEIYO! (if you know what I mean :D)

From my diary...

Monday 7th May 2012

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

I don't really know who am I writing to.

I do have a deep heart ache. It has been almost two months since A said he can't keep going with me.
Two months of rejection. Two months deprived of love and affection.
Two months of my tears - my happiness on hold, while life for his is almost "happily ever after". It seems he even meets new people and is making some fall for him.
I am tired of being tired. Of having to struggle through each day. Tomorrow, INSHA ALLAH, I will see him lecture about self-defense in (my sister's faculty). Tomorrow...also coincides with the Tuesday of my weakness. Coinciding with last Saturday is when I tamed him to say he has feelings for me, which was one week before Sensei M was going to see me on 13th May 2011, to test my compatibility for the Shodan. It was a Friday.
13th May, this year is on a Sunday. It hurts he is not here Today. It hurts I may not be able to call and thank.

Please GOD, BRING him back.
MAKE him love me again.


At the moment, I don't have much to do, expect to work hard to learn. I need to study the basics in medicine. Review the old books that I got rid off in gynaceology and obstetrics. Smile every day and pray for ALLAH for a miracle - trusting it will come.

And think - really think. Why do I love A so? Is love enough to make me happy with him? Does he deserve? Does he understand?
The answers may hurt - but I trust that love is enough. When it is true, it is self-sufficient.

I pray he changes to the best version of himself. At any given moment we have many versions of ourselves - the higher, idealist version, and the lower, hateful one - and a hundred other in between, through a spectrum well spread as Bell's phenomenon.

I pray that at any given moment, he and myself will be at the higher version. I trust him but above all I trust GOD.

I trust GOD CAN ALTER the hearts, LIGHT the soul and MAKE out of us, the best of the best..and with this hope I go through days smiling and believing, he will be here someday INSHA ALLAH,
as the best version of himself, and we shall be together INSHA ALLAH.
----------------------------------

That was over a year...on this same day this year if I was to write in my diary I'd say...(to be continued)

my love story begins...with bushido!

to be continued...

It is just begun

A very deep song :) my favourite parts of the lyrics are underlined

 

Dyin' flame, you're free again
Who could love, do that to you
All dressed in black, he won't be comin' back
Look, save your tears
Got years and years
The pains of seventeen's
Unreal they're only dreams
Save your cryin' for the day

Fool if you think it's over
'Cause you said goodbye
Fool if you think it's over
I'll tell you why
New born eyes always cry with pain
At the first look at the mornin' sun
Fool if you think it's over
It's just begun

 

Miss Teenage Dream, such a tragic scene
He knocked your crown and ran away
First wound of pride, and how you cried and cried
But save your tears, got years and years

Fool if you think it's over
'Cause you said goodbye
Fool if you think it's over
I'll tell you why...

(Fool if you think it's over)
(Fool if you think it's over)

I'll buy you first good wine
We'll have a real good time
Save your cryin' for the day
That may not come
But anyone who had to pay
Would laugh at you and say

Fool if you think it's over
'Cause you said goodbye
Fool if you think it's over
I'll tell you why
New born eyes always cry with pain

at the first...

It is that belief that every end is a beginning! That the darkest hour of the day is just before dawn! That a phoenix burns and from the ash is renewed, that keeps us going through our heartbreaks! Sometimes, that which breaks in us, broke to give space to a new and resilient strength!

Or maybe those broken parts, are to be put to furnace and reshaped into a mightier form!

It broke not because it was unworthy, not to leave us bruised and hurt! But that which broke inside us, did, to allow for our rebuild!

P.S:

Coal under pressure turns into diamond!

The pressure BREAKS the bonds, and allow reshape!

Keep :)ing

The oxygen dissociation curve taught me...

A good piece of information does not come free, and it does not come with a click or a button hit!

Today, after years, finally a very basic information sank into my mind!

Since I am a newly graduated physician, (actually since I am a physician at all), studying is an ongoing process. Being a doctor, means being a "professional student" :)

So being, the professional student, I got a chance to attend a lecture about Arterial Blood Gases, wherein, basics of Oxygen forms in the blood were reviewed.

So why am I mentioning this?! Because, this is a lesson I first learned back in school, when I was sitting for my IGCSE O'Level Biology. Then, I learned about the Oxygen Dissociation Curve, with the ever amazing "shift to the left" and "shift to the right" phenomenon! I had this taught on my mind: "this is too basic! Have I not passed this already???"

Maybe, it ain't time to jump into details, but for the record, and because I would love to articulate what I learned as well as explain Today's lesson, I would be just explaining in few words what this is all about. Oxygen can exist in chemical and physical forms. The physical form is the gaseous form. By chemical form, I am referring to the bonding of 4 Oxygen molecules (O₂₎ , by covalent bonds to the iron in hemoglobin. Each hemoglobin molecule has 4 binding sites, and a saturated hemoglobin is one where all the sites are occupied by O₂. Oxygen saturation is thus a measure of the amount of oxygen in the blood, bound to hemoglobin. This, amazingly depends to a number of factors, the top of which is the Partial Pressure of Oxygen, which varies greatly along the vessels and across different membranes. This is called, the oxygen cascade

It is this oxygen cascade that provides a wide scale of O₂ pressures on the x-axis of the O₂ saturation (dissociation) curve, while the O₂ saturation is on the y-axis.
I have always known how to read the curve; though I had a hidden gap in understanding the whole picture. As Dr. Heba Ismail, a remarkable anaesthetist lectured us Today, spoke of the oxygen cascade, something just lit inside my head: like a puzzle, with a missing piece, has a distorted picture; so was my understanding of this amazing phenomenon explained by this curve! As I understood Today for the first time about the cascade, the missing piece just fit in and after years finally the information sank in!

The cost of knowledge is big: one of its main currencies is time and persistence; and a thing called, you're never big enough to sit for a class of basics, even after gaining your degree! :)

عرفت الهوى (Now, I know Passion)

عَرَفْتُ الهَوى مُذ عَرَفْتُ هواك وأغْلَقْتُ قَلْبي عَلىٰ مَنْ عَاداكْ وقُمْتُ اُناجِيـكَ يا مَن تـَرى خَفايا القُلُوبِ ولَسْنا نراك أحِبُكَ حُبَيْنِ حُبَ الهَـوىٰ وحُبْــاً لأنَكَ أهْـل ٌ لـِذَاك فأما الذي هُوَ حُبُ الهَوىٰ فَشُغْلِي بذِكْرِكَ عَمَنْ سـِواكْ وامّـا الذي أنْتَ أهلٌ لَهُ فَلَسْتُ أرىٰ الكَوْنِ حَتىٰ أراكْ فلا الحَمْدُ في ذا ولا ذاكَ ولكنْ لكَ الحَمْدُ فِي ذا وذاك (English Translation coming soon...)

Surrender. Let go. Have Faith.

Love's greatest killer!

Let it go...

Not knowing!

Funny!
They all agree, one day things will be fine! I agree with this too!

But when! Just when! No one ever tells us when will the pain stop aching!
No one really knows when will the wound heal!
When will something something that filled us with conflict resolve!

They don't really tell us. Maybe we are not really meant to know, and that is the best part!

Not knowing is not as bad as it seems, because it gives us the challenge!

The chance to dive into the uncertain, with faith, unconditional faith! That does not abide with a time-frame or some future gambling game!

It is the now, we are bargaining at! Hoping with all our heart, that we will make it through, if we can focus on the moment!

It hurts, sometimes, not knowing, but thinking it over, in itself, it is a relief: "to live the questions"...go through every day hoping that Today is the day, I'll check my wound and it is healed!

One day

One day, just not yet, things will be better, and the hurt that almost killed, will mend!

One day, the inner sun will shine, and the night of pain will end!

One day, our wounds will be nursed, and we will be amazed by how we made it through!

One day, our smiles will fill the world and we will be happy again!

But just not yet, maybe not yet!

NATURE: APHORISMS - Goethe

Nature ! We are surrounded by her and locked in her clasp: powerless to leave her, and powerless to come closer to her. Unasked and unwarned she takes us up into the whirl of her dance, and hurries on with us till we are weary and fall from her arms.
She creates new forms without end: what exists now, never was before; what was, comes not again; all is new and yet always the old.
We live in the midst of her and are strangers. She speaks to us unceasingly and betrays not her secret. We are always influencing her and yet can do her no violence.
Individuality seems to be all her aim, and she cares nought for individuals. She is always building and always destroying, and her workshop is not to be approached.
Nature lives in her children only, and the mother, where is she? She is the sole artist, — out of the simplest materials the greatest diversity; attaining, with no trace of effort, the finest perfection, the closest precision, always softly veiled. Each of her works has an essence of its own; every shape that she takes is in idea utterly isolated; and yet all forms one.
She plays a drama; whether she sees it herself, we know not; and yet she plays it for us, who stand but a little way off.
There is constant life in her, motion and development; and yet she remains where she was. She is eternally changing, nor for a moment does she stand still. Of rest she knows nothing, and to all stagnation she has affixed her curse. She is steadfast; her step is measured, her exceptions rare, her laws immutable.
She has thought, and she ponders unceasingly; not as a man, but as Nature. The meaning of the whole she keeps to herself, and no one can learn it of her.
Men are all in her, and she in all men. With all she plays a friendly game, and rejoices the more a man wins from her. With many her game is so secret, that she brings it to an end before they are aware of it.
Even what is most unnatural is Nature; even the coarsest Philistinism has something of her genius. Who does not see her everywhere, sees her nowhere aright.
She loves herself, and clings eternally to herself with eyes and hearts innumerable. She has divided herself that she may be her own delight. She is ever making new creatures spring up to delight in her, and imparts herself insatiably.
She rejoices in illusion. If a man destroys this in himself and others, she punishes him like the hardest tyrant. If he follows her in confidence, she presses him to her heart as it were her child.
Her children are numberless. To no one of them is she altogether niggardly; but she has her favourites, on whom she lavishes much, and for whom she makes many a sacrifice. Over the great she has spread the shield of her protection.
She spurts forth her creatures out of nothing, and tells them not whence they come and whither they go. They have only to go their way: she knows the path.
Her springs of action are few, but they never wear out: they are always working, always manifold.
The drama she plays is always new, because she is always bringing new spectators. Life is her fairest invention, and Death is her device for having life in abundance.
She envelops man in darkness, and urges him constantly to the light. She makes him dependent on the earth, heavy and sluggish, and always rouses him up afresh.
She creates wants, because she loves movement. How marvellous that she gains it all so easily! Every want is a benefit, soon satisfied, soon growing again. If she gives more, it is a new source of desire; but the balance quickly rights itself.
Every moment she starts on the longest journeys, and every moment reaches her goal.
She amuses herself with a vain show; but to us her play is all-important.
She lets every child work at her, every fool judge of her, and thousands pass her by and see nothing; and she has her joy in them all, and in them all finds her account.
Man obeys her laws even in opposing them: he works with her even when he wants to work against her.
Everything she gives is found to be good, for first of all she makes it indispensable. She lingers, that we may long for presence; she hurries by, that we may not grow weary of her.
Speech or language she has none; but she creates tongues and hearts through which she feels and speaks.
Her crown is Love. Only through Love can we come near her. She puts gulfs between all things, and all things strive to be interfused. She isolates everything, that she may draw everything together. With a few draughts from the cup of Love she repays for a life full of trouble.
She is all things. She rewards herself and punishes herself; and in herself rejoices and is distressed. She is rough and gentle, loving and terrible, powerless and almighty. In her everything is always present. Past or Future she knows not. The Present is her Eternity. She is kind. I praise her with all her works. She is wise and still. No one can force her to explain herself, or frighten her into a gift that she does not give willingly. She is crafty, but for a good end; and it is best not to notice her cunning.
She is whole and yet never finished. As she works now, so can she work for ever.
To every one she appears in a form of his own. She hides herself in a thousand names and terms, and is always the same.
She has placed me in this world; she will also lead me out of it. I trust myself to her. She may do with me as she pleases. She will not hate her work. I did not speak of her. No! what is true and what is false, she has spoken it all. Everything is her fault, everything is her merit.