From my diary...

Monday 7th May 2012

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

I don't really know who am I writing to.

I do have a deep heart ache. It has been almost two months since A said he can't keep going with me.
Two months of rejection. Two months deprived of love and affection.
Two months of my tears - my happiness on hold, while life for his is almost "happily ever after". It seems he even meets new people and is making some fall for him.
I am tired of being tired. Of having to struggle through each day. Tomorrow, INSHA ALLAH, I will see him lecture about self-defense in (my sister's faculty). Tomorrow...also coincides with the Tuesday of my weakness. Coinciding with last Saturday is when I tamed him to say he has feelings for me, which was one week before Sensei M was going to see me on 13th May 2011, to test my compatibility for the Shodan. It was a Friday.
13th May, this year is on a Sunday. It hurts he is not here Today. It hurts I may not be able to call and thank.

Please GOD, BRING him back.
MAKE him love me again.


At the moment, I don't have much to do, expect to work hard to learn. I need to study the basics in medicine. Review the old books that I got rid off in gynaceology and obstetrics. Smile every day and pray for ALLAH for a miracle - trusting it will come.

And think - really think. Why do I love A so? Is love enough to make me happy with him? Does he deserve? Does he understand?
The answers may hurt - but I trust that love is enough. When it is true, it is self-sufficient.

I pray he changes to the best version of himself. At any given moment we have many versions of ourselves - the higher, idealist version, and the lower, hateful one - and a hundred other in between, through a spectrum well spread as Bell's phenomenon.

I pray that at any given moment, he and myself will be at the higher version. I trust him but above all I trust GOD.

I trust GOD CAN ALTER the hearts, LIGHT the soul and MAKE out of us, the best of the best..and with this hope I go through days smiling and believing, he will be here someday INSHA ALLAH,
as the best version of himself, and we shall be together INSHA ALLAH.
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That was over a year...on this same day this year if I was to write in my diary I'd say...(to be continued)